So today is Father’s Day and while I know it’s just a ruse to sell cards and crap, it does give me a warm glow as I still can’t believe at times I’m a dad responsible for the well-being and development of Laura and Alexander. And there’s the rub, on a daily basis I can be the dad I want to be, or at least try to be with Laura, but not for Alexander.
The life of a Dad who has a baby in ICU is so different to the one with Laura. Laura gets cuddles on demand, Laura laughs when I make silly faces and Laura gets upset if I have to say no to her. With Alexander its comfort holds and recently very few cuddles as he is back on the ventilator.
The ten days between Holles St and Crumlin when he was home is when I felt we were a ‘proper’ family and I was a ‘proper’ Dad. Don’t get me wrong, I am so proud to be Alexander’s dad and what a brave little fighter he is but at the moment I’m not there for him in the way I want to be, nor can I be, I’m not a doctor so all I can do is watch and ask questions.
I know we’ll get Alexander home again soon and I know that at the moment he’s in the best place – but I still would like to have had us all sharing today together, but I guess we’ll have to wait another day for that.
What I Wish For Most